My exciting adventure as guest columnist is at the half way point. Five more to go.
Click here for column number three.
I have not done any lap swimming or water aerobics since December… until last night.
I have used a myriad of excuses to keep me from my beloved chlorine, but all of them could have been wrapped up in one simple excuse; I am so tired. Fatigue has been my most debilitating symptom of grief since my daughter died last year. The debilitating fatigue has mainly manifested itself by making it impossible for me to get dressed. (I’m sure there is some psychological meaning behind it, such as, “If I get dressed I have to face going into the world alone, without my ever-present sidekick.”) I have learned tricks I will share for other grieving mothers so you don’t have to figure this out on your own.
*When you finally sit up in bed in the morning, lift one foot to put through the leg hole of your underwear
*put your sock and shoe on at that time
*proceed to the other leg…(that way you only have to lift each foot once)
* wear skirts
*don’t forget your shirt as I did during one of the very early days back to work. Standing on the back porch with the strap of my tote bag crossed over my bra just didn’t feel quite right. It wasn’t until after I had locked the house and turned to go to the car that I realized what was amiss.
My dear co-workers know that I don’t have the ability to both shower and dress in the same morning, they have told me clothing isn’t optional and have put up with a non-showered me all year.
Tonight I swam laps. When I reached half the number of laps I would normally accomplish, I could no longer propel myself forward another inch. I stopped and spent the rest of my paid time doing water exercises. Last night I returned to water aerobics. Mid-way through the class, the instructor noticed I was struggling and proclaimed, “You need to come more.” I didn’t disagree. The chlorine smelled wonderful, the aches in my arms and belly suggested there might actually be muscles somewhere in my body, and my water friends are true. She is right. I need to come more.
I had to stop for gas on my home. I wished I was wearing a large sign that said, “Don’t judge.” My lovely water friends leave the locker room put together in fully appropriate attire, whereas I look like I just rolled out of bed and got hosed down on my way to Wal-mart.
~”When everything is moving and shifting, the only way to counteract chaos is stillness. When the surface is wavy, dive deeper for quieter waters.”
How does one celebrate life? In 1986, while I was pregnant I had ideas in my head of what my new baby’s life would be like. I had the fear of bringing a child into a world where the new ice age was still being predicted and the Russians could attack us at any moment, but pregnancy in and of itself proclaims optimism. Every time a person is pregnant the possibilities for potential are mind boggling. What will this life inside me do? Will great scientific discoveries be made? Medical advancements? Compassion to all one encounters? Will this baby know joy and laughter? As a mother, I wanted a grandiose life for this new baby. I wanted him or her to follow in the big footsteps of the older brother, Jacob and make us a perfect little family of four with a goldfish in a bowl and the hope of a dog in the future.
April 26 brought us a beautiful, silent bundle of pink whose life was not going to follow my grandiose agenda. During the days following her birth we were told we would possibly never be taking her home. And then told, she would go home, but we should expect quick deterioration ending in death within eighteen months. When the final diagnosis of PWS was given we were told she will live in constant hunger resulting in probable death in her teens. My world was shattered. I went from producing a child who would change the world to producing a child for whom I could not even satisfy all of her basic needs. I could clothe her: golly we did that!! the amount of pink in our house was like a cotton candy machine at the fair. I could shelter her: cozy and snug in a room with her brother in a house containing a nest of seventeen baby mice hidden in the bowels of the sofa. But the final of one’s three basic needs would never be attainable for this mother, I would never be able to keep her from being hungry.
I am using what would have been her 31st birthday to celebrate her life. I find that although I never, ever squelched her hunger, she had the grandiose life I had once dreamed would be hers. Scroll up and re-read what my hopes for that unborn child had been. She accomplished all of that and so much more. Her life exceeded my plans.
Great scientific discoveries? You know it! New methods of stretching and staining the bands of chromosomes. By age two she had already reached one of my dreams.
Medical advancements? Rock it, Katie-girl! Years of rigorous physical testing and daily injections by my brave girl helped to make growth hormone a common treatment for certain symptoms of Prader-Willi Syndrome.
Compassion to all one encounters? It isn’t often you meet somebody who never speaks ill of anyone. Of anyone. At her funeral a school mate of hers told me a story about how Katie had stood in front of one of the boys who had bullied her for years and told him she forgave him.
Joy and laughter? Abundant joy and laughter. Catching the biggest trout, getting a wild-draw four card in Uno, Cohen’s sweet baby face, Sophie splashing in her arms in the pool, Ellie patting her belly, Jacob dressed in a suit serving tea at her dress-up party, teasing about her social life from Coach, being able to recite all the things which made each of her students happy, just a few examples of all her joy and laughter. Planning her birthdays with Grandpa Jake was a huge source of delight. This year they get to celebrate together again.
Her life shattered my world. I hope you have someone who shatters yours. Someone who shows you how precious every moment is.
Happy birthday, Dad and Katie.
“Celebration is only possible through the deep realization that life and death are never completely separate. Celebration can only really come about where fear and love, joy and sorrow, tears and smiles can exist together. Celebration is the acceptance of life in a constantly increasing awareness of its preciousness. And life is precious not only because it can be seen, touched, and tasted but also because it will be gone one day.” ~ Nouwen
Katie’s gravelights were a birthday gift from somebody who still loves her. Pink and purple solar powered fairy lights.
In the entire history of the universe, let alone in your own history, there has never been another day just like today, and there will never be another just like it again. Today is the point to which all your yesterdays have been leading since the hour of your birth. It is the point from which all your tomorrows will proceed until the hour of your death. If you were aware of how precious today is, you could hardly live through it. Unless you are aware of how precious it is, you can hardly be said to be living at all.” ~Buechner
I entered a contest held by my local newspaper and was chosen to be a guest columnist. I was thrilled to have this happen while my father was still alive to hear of this opportunity. I get to have ten columns published. This is column number two.